Thursday, June 20, 2013

on being vulnerable again

Being vulnerable is weird. It is incredibly hard. It is something I struggle with, 
and time 
and time again.

I feel that as girls in particular, as frequently as we are admired for our tenderness, as often we are told to be ourselves and encouraged to wear our hearts on our sleeves and to ‘let love in,’ we are taught not to be vulnerable. 

We are taught to hide our emotions, suppress the fact that something upsets us. We are sometimes told that we should swallow our pride and just say "I'm fine" when someone notices there may be something bothering us, that emotions are a sign of weakness and will only send people away from us. 

I know with certainty that this is something I have done, something I continue to do. 
"I'm fine." 
"I'm okay." 
"Don't worry about me." 
"Forget about it." 
These phrases are abundant in my vocabulary.

But as time goes on, you get to know someone, you begin to trust that person, and you become vulnerable to that person. You share things with that person. You open up. You let them know what you are thinking, what you are feeling, what worries you. 

And this is exhilarating. You finally feel as though someone understands you, someone takes the time to get to know you. And this person becomes vulnerable to you too. And something beautiful and pure and seemingly indissoluble is formed. And you treasure this bond and this person with the entirety of your heart.

But sometimes, people disappoint you. Sometimes you become vulnerable to someone, and this person just does not want your vulnerability any longer. You gave this person a part of your heart, a part of yourself, and he or she turns around and hands it right back to you, whether through their words or their actions. 

I think this is one of the most painful things to experience, whether in friendship or dating or any type of love. Someone looks at you and says that he or she can no longer be there for you, that you are too much, that this does not work anymore. This action blatantly says to you that you are not worth it.

Do not let yourself believe that. YOU ARE WORTHY.

This phrase has been heavy on my heart. I have been telling it to myself, and also I have been able to share this thought with loved ones quite a lot recently.

You are worthy.

Do not let this time
this experience
this person (just one person)
poison you against vulnerability. Give your heart away, open yourself up to others without hesitation, share the love in you and hold back nothing.

Your heart has in it the capacity to heal and the capacity to love over and over again, give it the chance to show you those capabilities. Be vulnerable all over again. 

all my love,


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