Yes, convictions. That feeling when you realize you're doing something completely and totally wrong.
It STINKS to feel convicted. Majorly.
Without getting into too much detail, I was reading my textbook for a social psychology course and...learned that I was taking a not-so-healthy approach to certain things going on in my life. That same day, I became frustrated with someone for something that (in retrospect) is silly. Upon defining what exactly about the situation was frustrating me, I realized I had been doing the exact same thing to another friend of mine. And then even later that day, someone else made a comment in passing about something that some people do that bothers them, and later I realized that the action they mentioned was something I do ALL THE TIME.
Needless to say, it was a very humbling day. I went to bed that night feeling not too great about where I was or how far I had strayed from the person I want to be. That's no way to feel, trust me. Not fun at all. There was this overwhelming heaviness on my heart and a total sense of self-doubt, but I think I needed to feel that.
The thing about convictions is that YOU can change the situation. Yes, I was absolutely tempted to wallow in self-pity at the realization of this person I had let myself become. And to be honest, I let myself wallow for the rest of that day. But the next morning, I woke up, wrote out the things I wanted to change about myself and listed out some ways I am going to accomplish that, and went about my day, continually checking myself against this person that I want to be. And you know what, I am getting there. I'm working on it constantly.
And that's what it's all about, using your resources to keep yourself in check and make sure you're headed down the right path. These convictions come at the time you need to hear them the most, not a minute too soon. And they are a calling to you to whip yourself back into shape. And no, it's not going to be easy, to realize or to act upon, but believe me, you'll be SO much better for it
Side note: I've been getting a tad personal on the blog here recently, and I hope y'all are liking it and are comfortable with that. I'm working on transparency, and while it sometimes is the hardest thing in the world for me, creating a hurts-in-the-gut, heart-all-exposed, hide-under-the-covers feeling, I think it's good for me. I think it's good for me to be honest with myself and with others, and I'm using this platform to do just that.
all my love,